From Steve at WorldStart.com
Food Spoilage Guidelines
THE GAG TEST
Generally, anything that makes you gag is spoiled.
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already.
If it looks like chicken grease, the mayonnaise may be spoiled.
If it looks like mayonnaise, it may be spoiled.
Frozen foods that break a kitchen knife when you try to pry them out of the freezer compartment will probably be spoiled.
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
Lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet.
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a basketball should be disposed of. Carefully.
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
It should not taste like salad dressing.
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
I omitted the last helpful hint because it was too gross, even for me. You can find it at "Just for Grins" at WorldStart.com if you really want to know.
I'll be back. Waiting for kids to start turning up.