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Thursday, March 22, 2007

Another Week Almost Over

I've been absent lately haven't I.

It's been a rough week emotionally around here. I don't write a lot about how I feel about everything that's been going on in our lives.

I was reading a post by another blogging friend (not the first one who has broached the subject). She wonders if (paraphrasing here) much of what we write is superficial and if we're being totally honest.

I replied that I'm honest in that I never lie on my blog but there is much that I don't say. I said perhaps I should. I also said that I'd slowed down on posting because it seemed like it isn't the happy place to visit it once was (the blog) and I was boring even myself.

For the most part, the blog has been a place for me to relax and chat. I still want that. I want to keep posting memes, recipes, greeting cards, and funny stories about the kids. I love hearing about your lives, responding to your comments, and looking forward to your emails. That's not going to change even though I've slowed down a little.

Tonight though, I'll try to say something about feelings even though it's always been difficult for me. I've been the one who seems to have it together; the one who "makes the arrangements" and keeps her surface composure in spite of it all. People perceive me as strong and some even see me as uncaring because I rarely fall to pieces, at least on the outside. Strong is not always a compliment and they see only the facade. That's pretty much how I've kept it here.

Ray's back out of the hospital again. That's a good thing except somehow they got the idea that he should be in some sort of facility each day. They implied that his ailments might be mental. Nonsense. They can't figure out what's wrong so it's all in his head? We're all stressed and I'm the first to admit that stress can be responsible for much of the way we feel. My energy level is right at zero. But he's not senile, he's not deranged, and it would kill him to be away from here. Fortunately, his primary physician agrees with us.

Elcie threw the temper tantrum to end all temper tantrums on Monday. Over nothing. She got on the bus still sobbing and screaming at me because she didn't get her way. I don't talk to screaming children. I leave the room. Arguing with her just inflames the situation and removing her audience usually works. Not this time.

I think her teacher or counselor must have talked to her because she got off the bus Monday afternoon as if nothing had happened and has been sweetness and light ever since. Today I complemented her on the change and she gave me a big smile.

I'm still a little undone by the whole thing though. It's difficult to shift gears that quickly.

And today Tim and I went to see Carol. I hadn't been there for a while. With Ray in the hospital twice in 3 weeks, I didn't want to be too far away.

It was so hard to see how much her condition had deteriorated. She was sleeping when we arrived. I wouldn't have disturbed her but she woke up crying in pain and barely aware of us. She isn't out of bed at all now and hadn't touched her lunch. It looks like she's not eating. We didn't stay long. I wanted her to be out of the pain and sleeping and she wouldn't do that while we were there. I'm not sure she'll even remember the visit.

I had to turn away from her so she wouldn't see me cry. She's never seen me as anything but positve since she's been ill. Today I just couldn't do it.

She told us she's ready to go and I don't know what's keeping her here.

I was so grateful to have Tim with me although it was as hard for him as for me to see her like that. I think our babies will always be our babies no matter what their age. She's his big sister. She was 16 when he was born and he's always loved her.

Anyhow, we sat in the car for a few minutes talking and then came back. We stopped for coffee and then I dropped him off and came home.

One of the things I said to my blogging friend was that I felt like I had a 50 lb weight on my chest and tears just behind my eyelids that wouldn't fall. They still don't because I always fight them back and the weight gets heavier. I think if I started crying I wouldn't stop.

There may be worse things than watching your child waste away and die. I don't know what they are.

Love you all, thanks for the support, and thanks for reading (if you got this far).

Take care everyone.

41 comments:

L. said...

Oh.....

Hugs.

Jen said...

Oh God. I don't know what to say. Honey, I am so sorry for all of you that you are going through this.

(((Hugs)))

Atasha said...

Oh Ann, I'm so sorry. You can't just let it build up and stifle you. I tried that several times and it's no good. A good cry is healthy and you need to let it out. You will stop, regardless of how long the cry will last. The weight won't feel so heavy when you're done.

I have no words to offer that will make this any easier, But I am thinking of and praying for you and family.

Take Care Ann

clairesgarden said...

oh Granny, I'm so sorry you are having this unhappiness, you are such a fabulous kind heart.
many blessings
Claire

granny p said...

You don't always have to be cheerful to us. The you that suffers is the you that makes you speak to us so well even when it's a life-loving bit; and WHAT life-loving it is; always lovely to read. Wish you didn't have to suffer though. Watching someone you love die is hard; your own child the hardest. I guess Elcie's tantrum related to all this. Kids are outside and inside at the same time while such things are going on and don't know where to put themselves. I think of you. xx

Alissa said...

If you started crying you would stop eventually, and you'd feel much better for it, I'm sure. I know you're aware of this, but you don't always have to be strong and/or happy. It feels like you do, but you don't.

You can talk about anything you like on your blog, and all of us will still be here, to laugh with your jokes or support you when you need it or cry with you when you need that. That's what friends are for.

((hugs))

Autumn said...

I'm sorry to hear you are having such a hard time right now. Just remember you have a lot of readers who care and I am one of them. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family
Hugs

Gawdessness said...

Thinking of you all.
Teenagers and their emotions on top of everything else, I find it hard to shift too.

Yondalla said...

((HUGS))

I wish I had something better to say.

Take care of yourself Granny.

CaliGirl said...

we are all human.

much love and big hugs to you ann.

thordora said...

Well, you got ME crying.

You need to cry Ann-you need to let it out. FAR too many of us hold it in, as women, and that was what I think I was really driving at-that women need to let out what really moves us, hurts us, sustains us.

We want to be there for you-I know it's hard, but I don't know how. You carry the weight of so much on your shoulders, yet you never complain or vent.

Let us carry some of that weight for you.

tina said...

Dearest Ann,
I was a little worried when you didn't post for a few days. I hope you know you don't ever have to do anything on our account, though we want to hear from you because we love you.

As I think you know, I lost my young, beautiful mother two years ago in a devastating, slow, and nightmarish way. I still wake up each morning half-believing it was all just a bad dream. There's nothing worse than losing the one you love more than anything in the world. I remember saying to someone, "Imagine your worst nightmare coming true. Now you have an idea of the barest hint of what it's like."

You are an inspiration, and we all love you. Just get through the days. Whatever you have to do to get through the days is okay.

Marigoldie said...

Lots of love to you, Ann. XO.

lushgurl said...

Hi Granny, I'm glad that you let out that all-together-all-the-time-person... I have always been kind of wear-my-feelings-on-my-sleeves. I can only reaeat what others have said to you...
1) Let it ALL out, you will stop crying and you will feel lighter
2) I love you no matter what kind of stuff you write about
3) My (devilteen) Angel used to have many such tantrums, thankfully not as often any more!!!
4) Be good to ANN today, cry in the shower, accept all the love that is being sent to you!

(((HUGS)))

Tammy said...

Oh Anne!!
(((hugs!!!)))

Diane J. said...

Ann, I think you'll find that most of us are not just fair weather friends. We're all in it for the long haul.

Thank God I've never had to go through my child's illness and death, but I have nursed a brother in law and both parents, and countless other relatives and friends as they died. I'm the family nurse and caregiver, it seems.

Never be afraid to be real here. Your real friends will understand and be supportive, and any other opinions...well, who cares?

You can email me ANYTIME, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. I care, Ann. As much as we can, let some of us help carry your burden.

Take care of yourself, my friend. I know you have a lot on your plate. Don't forget to take care of Ann when you're caring for everyone else.

Love and hugs,

Diane

Bacchus said...

Granny,

Give yourself a big hug. My mom was that "Together All The Time" person until she got sick. It is much tougher than letting it out on occasion.

You can always vent on us.

MaryP said...

Now I'm crying.

I hope you find that time and place of solitude where you can let down your guard and let the tears flow.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and those you love.

mo-wo said...

Know our prayers are with you, Granny. You are doing all you can and then some. And, as I wrote earlier, elsewhere... you know something might be said for wailing after all -- Tho' I know what you mean.

PI said...

If good loving, thoughts are any help Granny you have got them.
Pat

Merle said...

Dear Ann ~~ I am so sorry that things are so hard for you and like the others wish we could really help you.I think it is good to let us know how you are feeling, to let it out must help a little, and a good cry would help. You would stop Ann, but would feel better for it. You would stop because you have to get dinner etc.
I enjoyed having Peter here for a few days. My love and prayers Ann are with you always. Glad Ray is home. Take great care, dear Ann,
Love, Merle.

DellaB said...

(((((Ann))))) : hugs Ann

Of course, I got this far, I always get this far... I don't visit every day, but when I do visit, I read every word you write, and so, it seems, do your many other visitors.

But you mustn't feel pressured to write for anybody but your self, and the way I understand it, writing out problems has always been a prescribed method of 'handling' stress caused by very real concerns.

And those, you have a mountain of, nobody can tell you that you mustn't be wonderwoman - although plenty will try - if that's how you cope, then that's what you need to do.

You will know when there is a need for a time-out, and even if that's just a damn good cry - well, that works wonders, you know - I find crying in the shower is very therapeutic...

And, you might find some interesting comments on the subject you raise, about what we post and why, and how much we should or shouldn't (opinions, that is) on a link I have (surprisingly) just posted on my blog. Mysterious ways.......

And, thank you for leaving me good wishes on my 1st Blogiversary post, very much appreciated.

:-)
Della

Susie said...

Hi Ann,
My heart is with you as you go through this very difficult time.
Sending you heartfelt ((hugs))

The Mama said...

Hugs Granny. I'm so deeply sorry, I have tears in my eyes just thinking about being in your shoes.
Take care of yourself, I am thinking of you.

Alice

Andie D. said...

Do you ever get a chance to actually be ALONE? It might help. I rarely get that chance, and one day I felt the way you do. I got in the car and drove. Intentionally listened to some music that really moves me. LET IT OUT.

Not a cure all, but it heeeeeeelps.

I can only imagine what you're going through with Carol. No one expects you to be all lightness with the struggles you've had. Who could be? Write about it please.

HUGS ANN.

Gina said...

((Ann))

Of course we got that far, we feel privileged to read what you have to say.

I cannot even imagine the stress that you are going through, Karen's illness would be more than enough for one person, without having Ray and the girls as well. Not that they are burdens, but the daily stresses build up when there are so many things going on.

Parents are not supposed to lose their children, and I hope that you can find the strength to deal with all of this. Because it IS a lot, and there is no shame or weakness in saying so.

Ms. Lori said...

Ann, I can only imagine your pain...I know what you mean, however, when you say that others look to you for strength, that some might misconstrue your calm facade...I believe that those of us who "hold it together" feel pain on a deeper level, are even more compassionate than outwardly emotional people -- sometimes the pain buries itself so far down into our souls, it stops up the tears.

Kendra Lynn said...

Dear Ann:
You have a heavy load to bear, and its okay to vent or cry sometimes. Sometimes that is what keeps us going.
You and your family are in my prayers.
Let me know if I can do anything else.

Kendra

Peter said...

Hi Ann, now you know how loved you are, don't try to be cheerful and strong all the time tears can be very cleansing.
Sad to hear that Carol is so bad and that THEY (whoever they are) can't find Ray's problem, remember unload as often as you want/need to you are among friends.

lindsaylobe said...

Hi Ann
It sounds to me, if it is at all possible, time to allocate some time to yourself each day for respite for yourself in whatever form best suits you, to either listen to music or to have some time in a surroundings temporarily away from the daily grind.

I think in the past you seemed to find it enjoyable to record your daily grinds, the ups and down of your life on your blog, but given the present time maybe its time to share more of the sorrows and frustrations; just as you have done on this occasion.

We attempt in our small way to share in your grief over Carol; I echo the thoughts of your many friends who have expressed their warm and supportive feelings at this most difficult of time for you.

Best wishes

Sheri said...

Just sending this to say I'm thinking of you and your family and to send you hugs.

peppylady said...

I don't know even know what to say but I have a good set of ears for listening.

You talk about honesty. At times my husband and I been criticized for being to honest.

Anvilcloud said...

Hi Granny

What with back problems and computer problems, I haven't been getting here much lately. While there may be worse things than seeing your kid waste away and die, I'm not sure what they are. It's a place that nobody wants to go to, but you must. I'm glad that you wrote this post and let yourself go as much as you did, for even the strong must weep. I feel for you across the border and across the continent.

Madcap said...

XOXOXO.

You're right. "Strong" isn't always a compliment.

Margaret said...

Dear Anne, A hundred, thousand blessings left over from St Pat's day. Please don't feel bad that you are unable to be writing happy thoughts. Whilst it is not a tangible help to you, there are some really caring people out here, who, would like nothing better than to make all you hurt and sadness go away if were in our power to do so.
I pray that God gives you the extra strength you need at the moment,
Lots of prayers, love and hugs to you and yours. Margaret

Puss-in-Boots said...

Oh Ann, my heart goes out to you. I thought that things were going on but not to the extent that they were.

You don't have to be strong all the time, you don't have to be brave. Sometimes you need to let it all out. I just wish I was there to give you a big hug and to listen to you.

Love and hugs to you and yours.

karrie said...

((((((((((Ann))))))))))))))))

Jo said...

Oh sweetie! I wish I could just put my arms around you and give you a safe place to cry. You are amazing, and that is a compliment. In your sorrow and in your joy, YOU just come through shining, with your beautiful loving spirit. Hold tight dear, and my prayers are with you, whispered on the wind.

Lavender said...

I don't mind reading the bad with the good. It makes you have a well rounded blog. And I would agree, there is nothing worse than that. My grandparents are still alive, but my father passed away a few years ago. It has been hard on them.

(((((hugs)))))

Lionmom said...

I'm sorry it has been so rough for you lately!

Hugs!

JunieRose said...

Dear Ann,

I'm so sorry for all your pain>

Love,

Junie