I've been absent lately haven't I.
It's been a rough week emotionally around here. I don't write a lot about how I feel about everything that's been going on in our lives.
I was reading a post by another blogging friend (not the first one who has broached the subject). She wonders if (paraphrasing here) much of what we write is superficial and if we're being totally honest.
I replied that I'm honest in that I never lie on my blog but there is much that I don't say. I said perhaps I should. I also said that I'd slowed down on posting because it seemed like it isn't the happy place to visit it once was (the blog) and I was boring even myself.
For the most part, the blog has been a place for me to relax and chat. I still want that. I want to keep posting memes, recipes, greeting cards, and funny stories about the kids. I love hearing about your lives, responding to your comments, and looking forward to your emails. That's not going to change even though I've slowed down a little.
Tonight though, I'll try to say something about feelings even though it's always been difficult for me. I've been the one who seems to have it together; the one who "makes the arrangements" and keeps her surface composure in spite of it all. People perceive me as strong and some even see me as uncaring because I rarely fall to pieces, at least on the outside. Strong is not always a compliment and they see only the facade. That's pretty much how I've kept it here.
Ray's back out of the hospital again. That's a good thing except somehow they got the idea that he should be in some sort of facility each day. They implied that his ailments might be mental. Nonsense. They can't figure out what's wrong so it's all in his head? We're all stressed and I'm the first to admit that stress can be responsible for much of the way we feel. My energy level is right at zero. But he's not senile, he's not deranged, and it would kill him to be away from here. Fortunately, his primary physician agrees with us.
Elcie threw the temper tantrum to end all temper tantrums on Monday. Over nothing. She got on the bus still sobbing and screaming at me because she didn't get her way. I don't talk to screaming children. I leave the room. Arguing with her just inflames the situation and removing her audience usually works. Not this time.
I think her teacher or counselor must have talked to her because she got off the bus Monday afternoon as if nothing had happened and has been sweetness and light ever since. Today I complemented her on the change and she gave me a big smile.
I'm still a little undone by the whole thing though. It's difficult to shift gears that quickly.
And today Tim and I went to see Carol. I hadn't been there for a while. With Ray in the hospital twice in 3 weeks, I didn't want to be too far away.
It was so hard to see how much her condition had deteriorated. She was sleeping when we arrived. I wouldn't have disturbed her but she woke up crying in pain and barely aware of us. She isn't out of bed at all now and hadn't touched her lunch. It looks like she's not eating. We didn't stay long. I wanted her to be out of the pain and sleeping and she wouldn't do that while we were there. I'm not sure she'll even remember the visit.
I had to turn away from her so she wouldn't see me cry. She's never seen me as anything but positve since she's been ill. Today I just couldn't do it.
She told us she's ready to go and I don't know what's keeping her here.
I was so grateful to have Tim with me although it was as hard for him as for me to see her like that. I think our babies will always be our babies no matter what their age. She's his big sister. She was 16 when he was born and he's always loved her.
Anyhow, we sat in the car for a few minutes talking and then came back. We stopped for coffee and then I dropped him off and came home.
One of the things I said to my blogging friend was that I felt like I had a 50 lb weight on my chest and tears just behind my eyelids that wouldn't fall. They still don't because I always fight them back and the weight gets heavier. I think if I started crying I wouldn't stop.
There may be worse things than watching your child waste away and die. I don't know what they are.
Love you all, thanks for the support, and thanks for reading (if you got this far).
Take care everyone.