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Wednesday, January 03, 2007

I Am Hopelessly Behind

I tried to catch up with a few of your posts today and I think I've responded to most of the comments but I'm not sure.

I was asleep before midnight New Year's eve and not good for much of anything the next couple of days. Yesterday was a little better. I managed to get out of the house for a while, had coffee with my friends, and picked up a few necessities. Oh, we drank the Martinelli's on New Year's day. Or the girls and Ray did.

Before I forget to mention it, an early Happy Birthday to my sweet Rochelle who will be 12 on Friday. I'll try to write something special for her between now and then.

Elves left me a printer/scanner/copier/fax a short time before Christmas and Tim and I have been trying to install it ever since. Should be simple, right? Wrong. He tried it with another computer, finally downloaded the software from the HP site, still the same error code. Finally, he tried turning off the modem and voila!! It had something to do with the incoming stuff getting in the way. I don't understand it but I'll know if it ever happens again. While he was here, he reconnected the router so Elcie has a functioning PC once again.

The printer is wonderful. Mine gave up completely a couple of months ago and I was waiting until I could afford what I wanted when the elves showed up. I have to get a landline back to use the fax (hadn't thought about that) but shouldn't be a problem. Maybe next month. Hadn't thought I'd need one.

Today we met for lunch and he came back over, fixed my speakers (plugged them in), hooked up a cordless mouse, gave Elcie her mouse back, and fixed her speakers (also unplugged). Now all I have to do in the way of technology is figure out how to remove a cd which is jammed in the slot. It will not open. Any ideas?

I've been using an old coin-op dryer for a few years now and nursing it along. Jim and Melissa's washer broke down so they replaced the whole set and gave me their dryer which is much newer than my antique although a little smaller. Tim and I moved it today in the van and he hauled it in here and set it up. It's nice to not have to reach in, pull a lever, and then push the start button and this one has more than one temp setting. I'll probably offer the old one on Free-cycle. It still works very well if somewhat noisily and someone out there may find it a treasure. I certainly did when it was given to me.

So with all that you'd think I'd be all happy and carefree. Not today. I've been close to meltdown and wanting to scream and pull my hair. Nothing specific - just the blues and wanting to hide out somewhere and be anti-social. The girls go back to school Monday. It's been far too long a vacation. Things that usually would be no big deal suddenly seemed monumental.

Carol is planning on spending part of Saturday and Sunday here this weekend if she still feels up to it. She's had a good week so far. I think she's overscheduled herself but she'll find that out for herself when she's here. I can have her back there in 30 minutes if necessary. The medication causes her to feel better than she actually is which a good thing of course but this will be her first time home since she went into the hospital right after Thanksgiving.

She wants to shop Saturday afternoon (don't know what for - probably little things for the girls' Christmas), and then go to church on Sunday and take the girls to a movie. We'll see how it goes. I worry about her doing too much and then I think if she has some happy days, what possible difference can it make if she overdoes a little.

She asked a friend of hers (her former Home Teacher who now lives out of state) to perform Temple rites for her (I'm not Latter Day Saints but she is) and I spent part of today working on a genealogy (or the beginning of one) for her. I understand the belief and the reason for the genealogy and it seems to make her happy thinking about it. My Mormon friends will know what I'm talking about and it's too complicated for a non Mormon like me to try to explain. I think that got to me more than I realized. Everything I do for her I think I may be doing for the last time. and it all hits me again.

So, tomorrow we'll start working on clearing out the aftermath of the holidays and the girls. Rebecca cleaned our front bathroom including drawers and cabinets last night - all on her own initiative. I'll put Rochelle to work on the back bedroom (Carol's) and Ray and I will take down the Christmas decorations and clean the living room. It's been hard with me sick and the girls home to maintain much order. I'd like her to come home to something resembling what she left.

I did not start out intending to sound this depressed. I've had a little time of relative peace and quiet. Elcie and Rochelle are asleep and Rebecca is spending the night across the street with friends. Ray's doing well for the moment and physically, at least, I seem to be improving a little each day.

And tomorrow will be better.

Thanks to all of you for the comments. I haven't abandoned you - just not up to reading or writing very much lately.

Take care everyone.

19 comments:

Peter said...

Hi Ann, if you have to spend money to get a land line back it may not be wort while as email has just about killed off the Fax??
On your CD player see if there is a tiny hole somewhere on the front, this is to enable a slim object (straightened out wire paper clip) to be inserted to push the release switch within.
Good luck.

spadoman said...

Granny Annn... Your spirit drives us on. You are such a courageous woman and an example to us all.

Prayers sent to you and to all connected out that way. my friend. Hang in there. You're doing a fine job even though it is hard to do.

Peace Granny, Peace to you in your heart.

CaliGirl said...

we all have those days Ann...i get them often enough where i just want to be alone and antisocial...and i cant seem to find the reason behind it.

as the saying goes...just take one day at a time and you will get through even if you cant see that light yet.

make time for YOU...that might be the cure. we all need a little special pampering in times like this.

big hugs to you Ann :)

Yondalla said...

The reading and writing of blogs should be for fun and comfort, if it is not what you need/want to do, there should be no guilt...

...but I LOVE hearing from you again.

I know this is difficult right now with Carol. "Difficult" is not even the right word. I hope though that the time you have with her now is mostly good. I hope the girls, and you, make some some good memories to hold on to.

Take care of yourself first Ann.

My kids went back to school yesterday...perhaps you should send yours to a matinee today? Drop them off at friends? Something...

Anvilcloud said...

Peter has it right about the CD player.

You are under enormous stress, probably a lot more than you realize, so don't beat yourself up over being a little bit down. Try to find little ways to pamper yourself and/or give yourself a break. I hurt for you.

Gawdessness said...

You don't sound depressed, you are telling it just like it is and there is nothing wrong with that.

If I could I would come over and pitch in but since all I can really offer is an ear - you know we are all listening and thinking and praying ( those of us that do that anyway).

A candle at church for you this Sunday.
Love and hugs.

Lavender said...

{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}

Kendra Lynn said...

Dear Ann:
I hope that this weekend is a good one for you. Enjoy your time with Carol.
With love,
Kendra

LoisLane said...

Lots of hugs Ann. Hope you all have a great visit with Carol.

JBlue said...

My heart goes out to you, Gran.

Autumn said...

I think most people feel a little blue after the holidays. I for one am glad they are over. I'm glad to hear Carol is feeling well enough to come for a visit. I hope it goes well. I know she will be happy that you are doing the family tree for her. My mother in law did that for the church in Salt Lake when she was living. She was able to find a long lost "cousin" before she passed and it meant a lot to her.
Enjoy your weekend and a Happy Birthday to your Rochelle.

Susie said...

Hi Ann,
I can truly feel the emotions behind this post. I hope that knowing you've got a whole network of supportive blogging friends who care helps you cope with all that's going on.
Glad to hear Carol will have some time at home. Hope it's spent making some wonderful memories for all of you.
(((hugs)))

Jo said...

I understand, I go into hermit mode when I am blue. I get the Mormon thing, of course. You got a lot done! Wow, I hope it perked your spirits a bit. Spend some time nurturing yourself, you need it. From the outside looking in, any one of the of the things you are doing is enough to send someone else looking for the funny farm, and your plate is FULL. Love and hugs you wonderful person!

Gina said...

We would never feel abandoned! You have so much going on, I am suprised that you post at all!

I am so sorry things are catching up to you, I hope that you can somehow find solace and comfort enough to continue through this difficult time.

((Ann))

JunieRose said...

Dear Ann,

I have thought of you a lot over these holidays.
It seems there has been an overload of sadness during this time- for you and a lot of others also....I, too, have been very depressed the past few days- nothing in particular...

Anyway, I'm happy to hear you are feeling better physically...

Take care.

Junie

Alissa said...

You never fail to amaze me. Truly.

Keep your spirits up!

grannyfiddler said...

there's no shame in being tired, dear granny-no-fiddle. cut yourself the same slack you give to others. though i don't know the background, it sounds to me like you may be in the early stages of grieving for Carol. that's healthy. don't fight it. just do your best to understand it.

Merle said...

Dear Ann ~~Glad you are feeling better physically, and hope the blues don't last too long, though you have enough reason. I hope you got the house in order for Carol's visit home. I do hope
that you all enjoy it and have a lovely time.I understand the "last time"feeling
Ann, but you have given her a lifetime of love and done so much for her, I am sure she knows that. Glad she is comfortable. Thanks for your visit. My
prayers are with you all. Love, Merle.

Merle said...

Dear Ann ~~Glad you are feeling better physically, and hope the blues don't last too long, though you have enough reason. I hope you got the house in order for Carol's visit home. I do hope
that you all enjoy it and have a lovely time.I understand the "last time"feeling
Ann, but you have given her a lifetime of love and done so much for her, I am sure she knows that. Glad she is comfortable. Thanks for your visit. My
prayers are with you all. Love, Merle.