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Tuesday, May 01, 2007

No Change Since Yesterday

First, thanks to all for the outpouring of love and support yesterday and today. I've tried to get back to some of you; especially the visitors I don't remember seeing here before.

Tim and I spent quite a while with Carol yesterday. My friend Dawn's husband drove my van for me. I wasn't sure I could do it and since Dawn was here (she usually is on school mornings), she immediately offered.

As much as I could tell, Carol seems to be pain free for the first time in several months. She slept most of the time we were there; woke briefly and said my name, asked for water and drifted off again. I hope that continues for as long as it takes. We don't know how long it will be. She might go on like this for a while or she might not. We wait.

Last night's dinner consisted of the weekly special from the Colonel. Lots of chicken, slaw, mashed potatoes and gravy, and corn on the cob. Tonight I may have a break from cooking *(see below) except for me and Ray.

I've pulled myself together somewhat. When I've been faced with similar situations in the past, I've tried to go on doing what I would have been doing. For me, that meant spending time with Ray and the girls yesterday, doing the big monthly shopping today, and all the other normal stuff. When I couldn't sleep last night, I came back to the computer and began answering comments and emails. Strangely enough, it helped. I think it was being able to "talk" about what was happening with caring friends who have been there. Part of me feels odd to be sitting here writing about the mundane and part of me knows that it's a good outlet and a better way to spend time than brooding in silence.

Still, I find myself weeping unexpectedly and, as I've said before, I'm not one to cry. I no longer fight the tears, even in the middle of Wal-Mart when the recorded music started playing Wind Beneath My Wings. I'm glad I was in a rather quiet section of the store in the early morning.

I've talked to Elcie about her Grandma Carol (she sensed something was wrong just by looking at me) but not so far to the other two. They know how sick Carol is but not that the end may be so close.

Tim said and, after thinking about it I agree, that there is no point in causing more grief before I must. They're only 11 and 12 to Elcie's 14. I won't lie if they ask but so far yesterday and today they haven't.

They're due home from school soon. Elcie will be on the bus to our front door; Rebecca and Rochelle will be walking home until Rebecca's bus suspension is lifted. Of course that means that Rochelle is suspended in effect as well. I won't let Rebecca walk by herself and I can't guarantee in this minute to minute existence that I'll be available in the afternoon to drive them.

On a little brighter note, Ray continues to do well and our weather is lovely, if a little warm. *The girls are invited to a church social (not my church but who cares) tonight. Should be fun for them. They've been swimming in a neighbor's small pool and are beginning to lather on the sunscreen and bask.

Elcie has learned to do her own hair. My aching arms feel better already.

Once again, thanks to everyone. Much love to all and take care.


zzop357 said...

Ann, I hope you know we are thinking about you and Carol and the whole family.The waiting is the hardest thing of all,I think.
I pray Carol doesn't hurt and is pain-free.I know your heart aches and the girls will soon enough.Bless you for not letting them hurt sooner than necessary.It's hard I know,but God is waiting with Carol now.
Bless you all,I'll be thinking of you all.

Autumn said...

I am glad she is pain free. It is so hard to wait. I remember when my dad passed the waiting was hard. Just sitting there watching every breath wondering if it will be the last. My heart goes out to you and your family.

Anonymous said...

A minute at a time is all you can do. I am glad to hear that Carol is pain free and resting comfortably. I will include your family in my prayers.

Susie said...

Your comment just came in and I was going to email you, but came here first. I'm glad Carol is pain free and resting well. I truly know how difficult the waiting can be.
Your family is in my prayers.

PEA said...

The most important thing right now is that she is pain free...I know waiting for something to happen is hard but you are doing the right thing by continuing your daily routine! Know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers! xox

Kendra Lynn said...

I am sorry to hear that Carol is so weak, but she will soon be pain-free.
You all are in my prayers, as always.

Much love,

Jen said...

I know the waiting is interminable-- but I am glad it's not over just yet. I can't say why.

Much love to you. Wish I were there.

Atasha said...

I am glad to hear that Carol seems to be pain free. I know you wrote about not crying before but It's good to let it out. Don't bottle it in.

I wished I lived closer to come give you a hug in person. It may not be much but we just want you to know we all care.

mreddie said...

So glad that Ray is doing well during this tough time. Continuing the daily routine is all you can do - this from when FIL passed this last year. It helps to just have something routine to do. ec

Angel said...

::smooches:: I wish there was more I could do for you all.

Merle said...

Dear Ann ~~ Hang in there my friend.
It is so good that Carol appears to be pain free and that she woke and said your name. Let the tears come, better than holding them in. Glad
that our comments etc are helping you a little. Much love dear friend,

Peter said...

Hi Ann, glad to hear that Carol seems pain free, just waiting seems morbid, but what else can one do?

WSRF 8th grade said...

Sometimes it is the mundane tasks that get us through. I am glad to hear Carol has been pain free, what a blessing.

Love to you,

Heather (Caloden)

Gina said...

What a tough thing it must be, not knowing from day to day what is going to happen. I am so sorry for the grief it is causing you and your family. Hugs...

radical mama said...

I'm keeping you all in the Light. Hugs.


"Early Bird" said...

I really don't know what to say...does that make sense? I've never been through this...I just want you to know you are loved and cared for and I'm here if you need to vent!

Shrink wrapped scream said...

I'm holding you, and your beautiful family, in my heart tonight. Stay strong, and cry often, it helps. Big hugs, little lady. xx

Margaret said...

God bless you Ann and every member of your family.
Love ,hugs and prayers for you all.

Janice said...

Hi Ann,

This is such a tough time, and my prayers and thoughts are still with you.

I am so glad Carol isn't suffering, there is some small comfort in that at least.

At my aunt Regina's funeral her daughter Robin had a friend sing 'wind beneath my wings.'

When I hear that song I always think of Regina and Robin, and how close they were as mother and daughter.

I've actually gotten to the point where it dosen't make me sad anymore, (and that's a biggie for me) actually it makes me kinda glad. There is a strength in that song.


Ava said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Andrea said...

You, Carol and your family have my prayers Ann.
I love you.

ParentDish said...

Ann. Just wanted you to know I adore you and am thinking of you. Much love.