My October assignments

"Write about what I'm afraid of, why, and what I do to keep it from controlling me."

This is Uncle Roger's idea of a good time. He's looking for more takers if anyone's interested in baring their soul. Jenorama has me working on lists of things. I'm plugging away on the lists but not getting very far.

I covered one of the things I'm afraid of exhaustively last night. I'm afraid to let the girls out of my sight. Why? Because it seems like there is no safe place. Is my fear irrational? Only partly. What do I do about it? I let them out of my sight of course. Does it help with the fear? No, but I don't have to project it onto them. They can be careful and alert without being paralyzed by all the things that probably won't happen.

I'm afraid of heights. When I was little, my younger brother was climbing onto the kitchen table while I was climbing a Sears Roebuck catalog. Or, I'd go a little way up a tree and scream until someone got me down. Third step on a ladder is it for me. Why? I don't have a clue. I don't know if it's fear of heights, fear of falling, or some kind of vertigo. I'm fine inside buildings as long as I don't get too close to the windows and I can ride elevators if they're not hanging from the outside of buildings. From what my parents have said, it was always there. What I've managed to do is get through the necessary things involving height and let the unnecessary things go by the board.

When I had to get back to Arkansas from San Francisco in a hurry, I got on a plane for the first time in my life. I was 41. I thought I was doing fine until I realized that every time I got up I was walking very carefully in the center of the aisle. Guess I thought I'd tip it somehow. Main thing is, I flew and I've flown a few times since. I drive over bridges and in the mountains when I need to. The fear is still there and I'm always glad to get to the other side but at least I do it. What I still can't do is look at the scenery. I look at the white line and the car in front of me. When I lived in the city, I worked my way through the area bridges one bridge at a time. The last one to go was the Richmond-San Rafael which will mean nothing to anybody outside the S. F. Bay Area. It looks like a two hump camel from a distance and to me it meant two bridges at one time instead of one. Also, I never really went anywhere which involved that bridge. Finally, I took that route home from Marin County which meant driving across the Richmond-San Rafael and then across the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge (which was the one that lost some of itself during the 1989 earthquake) It's also two bridges at once; half cantilever, half suspension, with a small island in the middle. It's not fair. I made it and I'll never do it again. I drove the Coast Highway from Mendocino County to Marin - once. The Coast Highway ( California 1) drops large pieces off into the Pacific Ocean from time to time and is also subject to rock slides. I wouldn't know how beautiful it is - I never saw anything except the white line and the car in front of me. I guess I was just proving I could overcome my fear enough to do it. I walked down 19 flights of open stairway, hugging the wall, in my San Francisco office building after the quake. Once was enough. I drove across the Ambassador Bridge from Windsor to Detroit with the two center lanes open to the water below. That was accidental; I missed the tunnel and by the time I realized how high that bridge was and that it was undergoing construction, it was too late to turn back. I made it. My late husband swore when I got to the other side, he could see the imprints of my fingers in the steering wheel.

Most of these were "have to" things. I went up a rickety outside staircase in the city once after a child (not one of mine) and don't remember doing it.

I won't get on amusement park rides or watch anyone close to me doing it. Yes, I know it's irrational. What I will do is let one of my sons take the girls on the safe rides while I go have coffee somewhere. Again, I don't want to pass my fear on if I can help it. I actually manage to watch them horseback ride. I wasn't sure I could.

The boys' dad had a job once as rivet inspector on the Bay Bridge. I thought I was doing okay with it until we were riding across once and he pointed at a speck way up there and said "see - that's what I do". He ended up quitting the job shortly thereafter because if he was 10 minutes late getting home I'd be a basket case. A lot of my fear seems to involve horrible things happening to others.

I've come a long way since then but I still have a way to go. It doesn't matter if the fear never totally leaves. At least I manage it - it doesn't manage me (at not usually).

That's my big physical fear and I'm not sure if physical fear was what Roger had in mind. I fear for this country and the direction we seem to be heading. That's a rational fear and one I can do something about or at least try. Also, it's a topic for another time.

While I was writing this, I remembered one more thing about the horrible tale from last night. By the time I had finished talking to the horde of reporters over 3 or 4 days, some of the original fear had left; probably as a result of telling the same thing over and over. It lost some of it's power over me. Not all, but some. Maybe that's what writing does as well.

I wasn't going to add this but what the heck. The Big Book of AA talks a lot about fear. To paraphrase a prayer in the book - "remove from me every defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to others". It became a mantra to me with almost every challenge I faced. It got me on that airplane, across bridges, and over mountain roads. Yes, it's probably a crutch and a little simplistic but it works for me. Fear no longer totally governs my life.

Hi L. just saw your note. You too Insomniac Diary.

At least I got away from talking about homework for a day. They all finished theirs - even Rebecca - by themselves with no griping. I applied the new rule across the board.