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Sunday, September 24, 2006

Too Good to Keep to Myself

I send many of the jokes I receive in email on to my friend Merle whose blog features lots of jokes, inspirational quotes, recipes and tales of her life in Australia.

I got selfish with this one and kept it for myself. It's from my former neighbor Pat; a lovely woman about my age who now lives in San Diego. She keeps me well supplied with stories.

It's a little long but I found it hilarious. I don't know if it's true or a "fish" story but no matter.

I'll try to get back with a "real" post; if not, I'll catch up tomorrow.

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have
you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, dad, can
you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his
bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking
stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh my! gosh," my wife
diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny
little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He
blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled everyone into the car. "I know Ernie's grateful", my son said. "Oh, you have NO idea," I replied. Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.


2 - Lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie... Priceless!

Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!

20 comments:

Crazedmomof4 said...

Too Too funny! That is a good one! I would of so lost it way before they did! :D

Atasha said...

Ann that was too funny. I have to copy this and show my husband. All the while I was thinking, but lizards lay eggs don't they? I was speed reading trying to get to the end anxious to see what it was! hahahaha

Hope you're doing well today Ann and thanks for sharing this.

JBlue said...

I've read this before. I love the parenthetical comments best, I think. And I don't know of any lizards that don't leg eggs, although I guess it's possible. There is one mammal that lays eggs. (Call me Cliffie from now on....)

Funny.

Sue said...

Very cute story. I was trying to figure out how they were going to tie the eggs into this also!!

Puss-in-Boots said...

Hi Ann, good story and even though I have read it before, it's still funny second time around.

Hope you, Ray and the girls are all well.

FRIDAY'S CHILD said...

This was really hilarious. I thought at first how could a lizard give birth to a live lizard when I know they lay eggs. This is really funny. Imagine Lizards masturbating!
Thanks for stopping by and sharing us this funny story.

Margaret said...

Hi Ann, what a great story, I too loved the parental asides, also the costing out at the very end was just soooooooo funny. By the way Ann love the blog lines. Cheers Margaret.

CaliGirl said...

long but very funny...thanks for the laugh this monday morning.

happy belated blogiversary! its been nice getting to know you through this weird and wonderful place called the internet :)

hugs to you ann

Alissa said...

Seen it before, but still so funny! Thanks for the early morning laugh.

Tammy said...

ROFLMBO!!!!
ahhh Granny...that was just too funny!!
I loved it!!
I love the way you think and have tagged you for a meme...come see me today for your meme!!
:-D

Badoozie said...

oh my lord thats funny. the minute she said its have lizard babies, i thought that, they lay eggs!!! ohmy

JunieRose2005 said...

LOL,Granny Ann,

That was the funniest thing I've read in a long time!

Junie

The Mama said...

Oh my gosh, that is hysterical!! I'm gonna link to it, you just gotta pass humor like that on!!

Alice

Kristen said...

Hahaha!! I loved his commentary about his wife's statements the whole time, too.

tina said...

That was funny--and I never think jokes are funny. Well done.

By the way, Ann, my blog has gone bye-bye for now. You might want to delete the link...and spread the word?

Stephanie said...

OMG now that is toooo funny!!

EmmaSometimes said...

BWHAHAHA!! Thanks for the laughs Granny...oh that is hilarious.

wolfbaby said...

I laughed so hard I snorted ... that was toooo funny!!!

PEA said...

OMG LOL I could just picture it all!!! So very funny...have to copy this one!!! Hugs!

Angel said...

This is too hysterical!!!! ROFL I had to send that to my husband (esp since I see lizards in our future, with our son who loves reptiles).