We're Doing Okay

I've been tired and a little fuzzy the past few days. I'd sit down and try to write something and forget everything I wanted to say.

It's early Thursday morning, Elcie is home and the other two are in school. She had a very restless night complete with bad dreams. I think she finally fell asleep around 4:30. I called her name a couple of times and then let her sleep. The school year is winding town, tests are completed, and she won't miss much.

She's having a rough time dealing with her Grandma Carol's death. Rebecca and Rochelle are doing better. They're sad but they talk about her and what happened. Elcie clams up, keeps everything inside, and then explodes in misdirected anger. Usually at me. The school counselor is talking to her and she'll soon have summer vacation and her arts and crafts summer school. I'll give her a little time and if it doesn't get better, try to find our own grief counselor for her.

I made what I hope was my only trip to the funeral home with my friend Dawn to sign papers and pick up Carol's ashes. We still haven't decided what we'll do with them but there's no hurry. Meantime, they're in a safe place. The girls haven't asked about them lately; when they do, I'll deal with it.

Meantime, life goes on. I still have to go through Carol's things. Maybe this weekend or early next week. My energy level is better, I'm back to actual cooking now, and I get through most days without lying back down. But I look at those boxes and bags we brought back home and put it off one more day.

Tonight is open house at the middle school for all 3 girls. It will be the last one for Elcie who will start high school in the fall.

I just had to go back to my last post and read what I'd said. Told you I was fuzzy.

Older son Jim arrived yesterday. He may have 3 days; he may have almost a week. Somehow the leave schedule at the National Guard became confused (SNAFU?). By now, he'll finally know for sure. I saw his motorcycle parked next to Tim's bike yesterday morning at Barnes & Noble, walked in and hit him on his shaved head with a magazine for not calling me. (He's a 200 pound Army sergeant - hitting him on his hard head didn't cause permanent brain damage). Also made him buy me my cold drink. His brother was almost rolling on the floor laughing at the two of us.
Jim's doing fine but he didn't get here until 3:00 a.m. Just dozed off and a bunch of police cars went by his house, sirens screaming and lights flashing. They must have been taking a shortcut; he's on a quiet street. He fell back asleep a little after 4:00 a.m. to be awakened by Jonathan shortly after 5. No wonder he forgot to call me. I just checked the mileage between El Centro and Merced. 400+ miles on a Harley is a long trip and I fret every time he sets out. That's probably why he never lets me know exactly when he's leaving. Of course that means I fret for a couple of days instead of 8 or 10 hours. As far as I know, they're still planning on moving to Yuma, AZ sometime this summer. His Guard assignment sounds long term and it's so difficult to have his family this far away. Yuma is only 45 miles from El Centro and he likes Arizona. So do I.

Oh, Jonathan turned one year old yesterday so at least Jim made it home for the birthday if he didn't sleep through it.

I told him Yuma has huge flying beetles and cockroaches (they fly too) as well as scorpions and rattlesnakes. He was not deterred. I remember living in Phoenix and shaking out my shoes every morning and my first sight of those flying critters. All harmless but not something I want buzzing around the house. On the other hand, I loved Phoenix for the year or so I was there and he'll probably like Yuma.

And now I'd better get busy being useful.

Thanks to all for your kindness. Several of you came over from Parent Dish (Blogging Baby) and other sites. I had no way to respond directly.

Have a good weekend if I don't get back here tomorrow and take care everyone.

Mother's Day 2007

This Mother's Day almost snuck up on me in the midst of our grief combined with everything that goes along with saying goodbye to a loved one.

Carol's memorial service was yesterday afternoon. It was beautiful; a combination of tears and smiles as so many are.

Her church friends outdid themselves. Their Bishop and the home teachers led the service and kept it as upbeat and affirming as any memorial can be.

I'd asked for one song, probably the best known in the Latter Day Saints hymnal and one that gives me chills (the good kind) and sometimes tears whenever I hear it. My Mormon readers will know "Come, Come Ye Saints". It tells the story of their pilgrimage to Utah and speaks to the triumph of the spirit over what seems to be overwhelming adversity. Each of the four verses ends with "All Is Well, All Is Well". It's always spoken to me of hope and courage. I couldn't sing for my tears but listening was enough.

Tim (my youngest son), Tasha (girls' mom) and I represented three generations of the family and each managed to say a few words about Carol. My girls (fifth generation counting my adoptive mom still going strong at almost 95 back in Albany, NY) were all there, sitting with family and friends. It was their first experience with the death of someone very close. They did well although I know how hard it was for them.

I remembered much about Carol at her best. Happy and full of enthusiasm and energy. She did so much for the girls that I couldn't. She taught them how to ride bikes, roller skate, dance. She took them to the park and not only pushed the swings, she swang (swang?) right along with them and provided the counterbalance on the see-saw. She slid down the slides. She took them swimming and splashed alongside them in our little pool each summer. We had sing-a-longs around my old, battered, piano. She was much better at reading aloud than I (I kept dozing off) and read to them almost every night; even after she became ill and they were older. She always kept the wonder and imagination of a child. Her granddaughters will miss her more than they realize now.

Update: I'd forgotten until I was just now reading Mamaloo's post about the frustration of finding a good hair salon. Carol cut all of our hair until she wasn't well enough to continue. It's taken us 3 tries to find one that matches her talent.

Somehow I managed, I hope, to convey her spirit and delight in life.

The women of the Relief Society prepared a wonderful luncheon for us after the service. I took some pictures of all of us, even Ray. Maybe I'll post them later. Haven't decided yet.

The photo at the top is my Mother's Day tribute to my beloved daughter. Her two boys and my two youngest sons are very close to the same age. It isn't dated but 1982 or '83 sounds about right looking at their ages. We were all in San Francisco then, Jim must have been in about his first year of high school. I'd searched through my albums for it; Tim found it in his and held it in his hand all through the service.

From left to right,

first row:
Carol's youngest son Jackie, now 30

second row:

My Tim, now 34, and Carol's older son (girls' dad) Wesley, now 32

third row:

Jim's best friend Robbie who lived with us through most of the high school years (long story)
Carol in her mid twenties
My older son Jim, who will be 39 next month and is serving in the California Nat'l Guard on the Mexican border. He couldn't make it but will be home this weekend for his youngest son's first birthday and Mother's Day. His wife is expecting another child late this year which will bring them up to 8 kids and one grandchild between them.

For my tribute to my two mothers, see here
and here. I wrote them in May of last year so most of you may have already seen them.

Again, thanks to all of you who have commented, emailed, sent cards, flowers, etc., and done so much to make these last few weeks a little more bearable. If I missed replying to any of you, please include yourselves here.

Take care and have a good Mother's Day everyone.

Much love

Ann

P. S.

Congratulations to Diane, a first time Grandmother. Mom and little girl doing well after a precarious start. I know she and her family back in Arkansas would appreciate your good wishes.

Diane and I became acquainted when I saw one of her comments on another blog. I checked her out, saw Bay, AR, and left a comment of my own saying something like I bet I was her first visitor (other than people who know her in real life) who knew exactly where Bay, AR is. I lived five miles down the road for 8 years. Small word, the internet.

Carol 2 - Pictures (more below)

A couple of photos of Carol with the girls when they were very little (with friend Heather) and Carol with her son, Wesley (girls' dad). Carol is the laughing one and it's a wonderful picture.

The local paper finally ran the death notice today. They no longer run the full obits unless the family pays for them. This is it - doesn't say much, does it?

Carol Kathleen Breeze

June 2, 1956 ~ May 3, 2007

<	A Memorial service will be held Thursday, May 10, 2007 at 12:00 p.m. at The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, 2976 North McKee Road in Merced.
	Burial will be private per the family's request. Contributions may be made to Stratford Evans Merced Funeral Home, 1490 B Street, Merced California 95340.

It's cremation, not burial. Maybe sometime Tim and I will take her ashes back to our beloved San Francisco.

Carol is a convert to the LDS (Mormons) as are her son and Ray. The funeral director at Stratford-Evans (I picked them at random) turned out to be an old friend and member of her church which helped. I thought the county might have to do it since I sure didn't have the money up front. I guess that's why he put that line in about contributions because when I told him about our finances, he didn't seem worried. I'll figure it all eventually. Meantime, I was fairly sure I was following her wishes with the Mormon service. It's the last thing I can do for her.

Tomorrow was the first day that made sense for the service. The girls will be finished with testing and it's Tim's regular day off.

Strange how things happen. Ray and I both have enough insurance to cover final expenses but I never thought about Carol. Once I did, she was sick and not eligible. We'll work it out somehow.

Meantime, being the caring people they are, they've visited, helped me plan the service since I knew very little about their customs, brought cookies on Sunday, and dinner on Tuesday. They visited Carol all through her illness, even after she was moved out of the city.

I agreed to speak. I'm sure I can do it - just won't know what to say until I'm standing there. I've been thinking how much Carol did with the girls when she was well. The skating and bicycle rides, the long walks around town, all the stuff that younger parents do that are beyond me. I will focus on her wonderful qualities - there were many.

We're doing okay. I was exhausted and not sleeping at night for the first few days and going back to bed in the daytime after the kids were either in school or with friends. Ray pitched in and did almost everything around here. I slept last night and stayed awake today so the worst may be past. Yesterday was the first day I hadn't felt sick from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed. Combination of grief and stress, I suppose. Once we have the service tomorrow behind us, maybe I can take two steps forward and only one back.

My friend Janet took me to lunch and then coffee yesterday. We hadn't seen each other for a while. Today Ray and I took Elcie for wheelchair repairs and to order her new bright red electric scooter. We hope it will be here by the time she starts high school. I'll probably need a lift for the van because I'm sure we won't be able to lift it. And we'll put the ramp down at the front door. We didn't need it with the lightweight manual chair.

The girls are at my friend's house having their hair done. We had chicken sandwiches for dinner. Maybe by Friday, I'll feel like cooking once again. Fortunately, Ray enjoys cooking so he took over there as well. I keep telling him not to wear himself out but so far he hasn't complained. (Spoke too soon - here they are).

Once again, thank you for all the loving comments and emails.

Carol 1 - Pictures

Merle asked me if I had any pictures of Carol. She has always been as camera shy as I but I managed to find a few from happier times. I have some more recent but she looked so thin and ill. I'll keep them but I didn't want to post them.

That's Carol with Elcie and Rochelle and Carol with me. I didn't date the snaps but you can tell from looking at the girls that they go back a few years.

I'll be back with another set. For some reason they didn't appear.

My ergo keyboard just went kerflooie. It's typing 'z' for 'e' and freezing up. I have Elcie's regular board and I'm going nuts. The keys seem all cramped together and my fingers are tripping over each other.

Tim says 6 months is the normal life of a keyboard especially with the amount of typing I do. I have a manual portable Royal typewriter which must be at least 55 years old and still going strong. I noticed the painted letters were wearing off but since I don't need them, I didn't worry about it. Elcie was complaining and I told her to learn to type and she woudn't have that problem.

Blogger says the other set is here but I can't see them. I'll try on another post with Picasa.

Be right back.

Carol Kathleen Breeze June 2, 1956 - May 3, 2007

The end came tonight at about 7:30. Tim, Rebecca, Rochelle, their mom, and I were about halfway between home and the facility when they phoned to tell me she had just died.

According to her nurse, it was peaceful. The girls are sad but okay, I just dropped Tim off at home and of course Ray is here with me. Elcie didn't want to go, the other two insisted and they're old enough to decide. I'll tell her in the morning.

I thought about saving this post for morning but sometimes it's better to get the hard things out of the way.

I can never thank you enough for all the prayers and support.

Much love to all

Ann

Update shortly past midnight Saturday morning

I'm blown away by the love and support which has poured in. I've tried to get around to most of you either by email or in your comment boxes but know there are some I've missed and some I'm unable to contact.

My gratitude to all of you. Some of you have said it's difficult to find words. I have the same problem. My words of condolence have always seemed inadequate and awkward to me. Trust me on this; yours are not. It's the feeling behind the words that counts.

I've been blog surfing this evening (beats thinking too much) and realized how many of you have included the death of my daughter in your own posts.. My thanks to you as well.

I'll write more later. We're doing okay, all things considered, and yes, I'm managing a little rest although last night was almost sleepless. I made up for it with a long nap before the girls came home from school. We've taken care of many of the details; tomorrow I'll make one final trip to Turlock, to pick up Carol's personal items (she'd built herself quite a little nest in the time she was there).

Much love to all and take care everyone.

No Change Since Yesterday

First, thanks to all for the outpouring of love and support yesterday and today. I've tried to get back to some of you; especially the visitors I don't remember seeing here before.

Tim and I spent quite a while with Carol yesterday. My friend Dawn's husband drove my van for me. I wasn't sure I could do it and since Dawn was here (she usually is on school mornings), she immediately offered.

As much as I could tell, Carol seems to be pain free for the first time in several months. She slept most of the time we were there; woke briefly and said my name, asked for water and drifted off again. I hope that continues for as long as it takes. We don't know how long it will be. She might go on like this for a while or she might not. We wait.

Last night's dinner consisted of the weekly special from the Colonel. Lots of chicken, slaw, mashed potatoes and gravy, and corn on the cob. Tonight I may have a break from cooking *(see below) except for me and Ray.

I've pulled myself together somewhat. When I've been faced with similar situations in the past, I've tried to go on doing what I would have been doing. For me, that meant spending time with Ray and the girls yesterday, doing the big monthly shopping today, and all the other normal stuff. When I couldn't sleep last night, I came back to the computer and began answering comments and emails. Strangely enough, it helped. I think it was being able to "talk" about what was happening with caring friends who have been there. Part of me feels odd to be sitting here writing about the mundane and part of me knows that it's a good outlet and a better way to spend time than brooding in silence.

Still, I find myself weeping unexpectedly and, as I've said before, I'm not one to cry. I no longer fight the tears, even in the middle of Wal-Mart when the recorded music started playing Wind Beneath My Wings. I'm glad I was in a rather quiet section of the store in the early morning.

I've talked to Elcie about her Grandma Carol (she sensed something was wrong just by looking at me) but not so far to the other two. They know how sick Carol is but not that the end may be so close.

Tim said and, after thinking about it I agree, that there is no point in causing more grief before I must. They're only 11 and 12 to Elcie's 14. I won't lie if they ask but so far yesterday and today they haven't.

They're due home from school soon. Elcie will be on the bus to our front door; Rebecca and Rochelle will be walking home until Rebecca's bus suspension is lifted. Of course that means that Rochelle is suspended in effect as well. I won't let Rebecca walk by herself and I can't guarantee in this minute to minute existence that I'll be available in the afternoon to drive them.

On a little brighter note, Ray continues to do well and our weather is lovely, if a little warm. *The girls are invited to a church social (not my church but who cares) tonight. Should be fun for them. They've been swimming in a neighbor's small pool and are beginning to lather on the sunscreen and bask.

Elcie has learned to do her own hair. My aching arms feel better already.

Once again, thanks to everyone. Much love to all and take care.

It May Finally Be Over

I have to write this post.

The care facility just called and I'm on my way with Ray and Tim. They think my Carol is very near the end.

I'll be back when I can.

Much love to all.

Ann

Hump Day - 4 Days to Go!!

Of the girls being home from school, of course.

It hasn't been too bad. The weather has stayed decent and we've managed to be out of the house some of the time. They've managed to avoid drawing blood which is a plus.

Tim, Elcie, and I went to see Carol today and then to lunch. She was feeling a little better but very sleepy so we just stayed for a few minutes. It's much easier to make the trip with Tim on his day off - gives me company. Now, all the girls have gone at least once.

And I finally got a haircut and feel much more like my normal self, whatever that is. I'd begun to resemble a sheepdog.

Ray's feeling better. He's supposed to see a specialist in Modesto (the other side of Turlock about 45 miles from here) about the possible crushed discs. Surgery? We don't know yet but I hope not. More driving but I can combine a visit with Carol with the appointment or my friend can take him.

Not much else but I wanted to check in briefly.

Did you know there is a new 12 Step program for Email addicts? I'm watching ABC news and they swear it's true.

Do you feel powerless over email? I think they're including the "blackberry" and the report is aimed more at businesses than at we folk who chat back and forth. I googled it and here is a CNN online article along with a link to the 12 Steps.

It's not a problem for me. I love getting mail and answering. I don't think I'm obsessive but that could be "denial".

Thanks for the comments and your kindness. Take care and have a good weekend if I don't get back before then.